Leila's story

Read Leila’s story below or listen to her podcast.

When I was 11 years old, my younger brother died, and for a long time I told myself that this was why dad drank. As I got older I realised that dad always liked a drink.

My parents never had much money. I remember mum always working hard to provide for us. We never went without food or presents at Christmas.   Now I am an adult I know that she probably had to get help to be able to afford everything. My dad wasn’t home much and when he was, he was hungover and usually ‘unavailable’.

As I got older, his drinking worsened, and he became aggressive. We never knew what mood he would be in. If he was drunk, he would have nasty arguments with mum and would smash plates and break furniture. Mum would always go out and find replacements from the secondhand shop, only for them to be smashed a few weeks later. My mum would end up in tears, and It was hard to see her so upset all the time. I used to think ‘why doesn’t she kick him out of the house?’ As an adult, I now know that my parents were co-dependent on each other.

On one occasion my dad came home drunk and demanded that he take me and my siblings to the local pub as it was a sunny evening. Mum was furious but he took us anyway. I remember feeling excited that we could go but scared as to what could happen if he got too drunk. My dad was never violent toward me or my siblings, I don’t think he ever hit my mum either. Although if he did, mum wouldn’t have told us anyway.

As a teenager, I became obsessed with being perfect and would often burn myself out with schoolwork, and then eventually at work. Although I received a first-class degree at university, I still felt I was a fraud; I never felt I was good enough.  

Throughout my twenties I was bitter about everything and labelled my dad a drunk. I blamed him for all my mistakes in life. I ended up experiencing alcohol related problems myself and got arrested several times for drunken behaviour. I didn’t have any boundaries, and eventually friends dreaded going out with me as inevitably the night would end up with me either getting into an argument or going missing. Several times I was taken advantage of by men. I didn’t have the strength in me or the self-worth to say no to sexual requests from boyfriends when I really didn’t want to do what they were asking. Although I felt a lot of shame, I later realised that I always had a low self-esteem and accepted it because I wanted to be loved. This behaviour went on for years.

I worked extremely hard as I wanted to prove myself to everyone but still acted out at work by constantly sabotaging my job. I was never able to ask for help, instead I would sit and struggle. I wasn’t able to take constructive criticism and would lash out at others if I felt they were criticising me. I remember having an argument with my manager, which escalated into an investigation. Luckily for me, they took into consideration my emotional state, so the outcome wasn’t so bad. I was struggling mentally and would often fall into depression. I had no concept of how to approach difficulties or how to speak to those in authority; I was never taught those skills as a child.

I was also attracted to dysfunctional men. I ended up in a few emotionally abusive relationships. The relationship that affected me the most started when I was 25 years old. The alarm bells should have been ringing from the start when he arrived drunk on our first date, however, I went along with it because it felt comfortable. I became obsessed with him and the relationship. Two months into the relationship, we went out one night and both got drunk. That was the first time he assaulted me. When we got home, he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down the stairs and around the house. I remember him standing on me with all this weight. I was hurt and bruised but I forgave him quickly. At the time, I didn’t realise how horrific what he did was, I just accepted it. The violence and aggressive behaviour was normal to me. The physical abuse was frequent, but nonetheless I clung to the relationship. My friends would regularly notice bruises on me and feared for my life.

From the outside, I had a good job, earned good money, and appeared educated and confident but in reality, I was drinking a lot, I was experiencing abuse and I couldn’t get out of the relationship out of fear of being abandoned and alone.  

At first, I tried to fix the relationship by attempting to be perfect. I put a lot of effort in looking attractive but that didn’t help. I’m ashamed to admit that eventually I became violent towards my partner too. I had so much anger inside, and I felt that my behaviour was justified because of how badly he had treated me. Eventually I knew I had to change and sought help through counselling. It took a few years, but my self-esteem grew and my behaviour changed I was able to see how dysfunctional my relationship was and finally got the courage to leave.   

I wanted to focus on my own behaviour and moods. I was doing research online and came across Al-Anon whilst Googling ‘dysfunctional and alcoholic families’. I never pictured myself attending a meeting to talk about alcoholism and the effects it had on me, but it felt like it was the right thing to do so I went to my first meeting. I felt embarrassed and I wasn’t sure I would go back, but the people were so nice and welcoming that I did.  

Getting support through counselling and being part of Al-Anon has been a huge help to my mental state and my personal growth. Al-Anon has given me the tools to deal with low moods. I use the slogans or read the literature when I’m worrying or feeling overwhelmed and it instantly calms me. I know that if I feel upset, I have a group of people who I can call and speak to. I rarely experience anxiety now. My self-esteem has increased and I’m more trusting in people, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone anymore as I have learnt my own worth.

Sadly, my dad still doesn’t recognise he has a problem with alcohol. However, the difference now is that I know I didn’t cause his drinking, and I can’t control or cure it, but I can still love him. My relationship with him has completely changed; I have compassion for him and no longer see him as just a drunk. It’s not perfect, but we have a good relationship and I no longer judge him or tell him how he should live his life.

If you’re affected by someone’s drinking and would like support, email helpline@al-anonuk.org.uk or call our free and confidential helpline on 0800 0086 811.