Janette's story

Read Janette’s story below or listen to her podcast.

I was always very close to my son and daughter when they were young.  Their dad was a violent drunk so the three of us stuck together. When my children were nine and ten years old I finally got the courage to leave my husband.

Two years later, contact between my children and their dad completely stopped. My son was devastated as it was his dad who decided not to call or write to them anymore. My son was a gentle loving child who never really felt as though he fitted in.  We spent a lot of time together and until he was a teenager, we had a perfectly normal relationship. However, when he was 16 and left school, by then I had remarried and had another child, he started to spend a lot of time with his friends. He was drinking and I suspected smoking weed, although he denied it.  When I was growing up my brother was a heroin addict and I could see some of the same traits in my son’s behaviour. Our relationship changed, he started to manipulate me and blamed me for having witnessed so much abuse and violence because I had married and stayed with his father for 11 years. Sometimes I think that maybe if I had left his dad sooner, the damage wouldn’t have been so bad.

My son wanted to find his dad, but I didn’t think it was a good idea because I knew it would affect him even more if he rejected him again; eventually he stopped asking. The pattern of arguing between my son and I, and him using my guilt to get his way went on for years. He had asked me to help him save up for a motorbike so I gave him money every week in addition to his salary.  He went to look at motorbikes with his uncle, however, when he found a motorbike to buy, he admitted that he had not saved at all. The money I gave him was spent on going out with his friends and buying alcohol.

My son continued spending money he didn’t have and got himself into debt on numerous occasions. He wouldn’t open his post, ignored bank payments, bills, rent, police fines and even court summons letters. I would find out how bad things had got when someone would phone and ask if I could get him to contact them. My husband would never get involved, so all the arguments were between my son and I.  I was always expected to fix all the problems. I loved my son, but during that time I didn’t like him very much. He was hurting everyone around him including himself.

At 21, my son was involved in a car accident whilst drunk and as a result his leg was amputated. The medical help was excellent, and his physical needs were always met but no-one ever asked if my husband and I were okay. I coped by ignoring my emotions and focusing on day to day tasks. My son coped very well at the beginning and we thought it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise.  He was determined to straighten his life out. The police decided not to prosecute as they said he had suffered enough.  Work gave him six months paid leave, whilst keeping his job open for when he was ready to return.

When he was discharged from the hospital it was assumed that he would live with my husband and I.  Our house was not assessed to see if it was suitable, he was just sent home.  The strain of having a disabled adult living in our kitchen/diner caused my husband and I to argue constantly.  It was also very difficult for our youngest son who was only six at the time. My son was demanding and always assumed I was available for appointments. I drove more than 250 miles a week for his treatments. At the time, my husband and I owned a cafe and worked long hours. I was exhausted physically and emotionally and was functioning on autopilot. I was constantly angry that he had put himself and us in the situation and we would have to live with the consequences for the rest of our lives.

When the treatment finished my son struggled to cope. Nonetheless, he made the effort to move into his own flat and soon after met his girlfriend.  A year later they had their first child.

He settled into family life for a while but when they were expecting their second child, his behaviour started to deteriorate. He looked dirty, spent most of his weekends in bed and talked erratically.  They were renting a house from my husband and I but never paid rent. His excuse was that he had to re-pay debts to dangerous people he had borrowed money from.  I kept my son’s financial situation a secret from my husband which caused me a great deal of stress. I was suffering from anxiety and was unable to sleep which affected my moods.

Three months before his second child was born, he was let go from work for stealing.  He was constantly arguing with his girlfriend and eventually they separated. He kept in regular contact with the children and they would stay with him at weekends. He seemed to be looking after them well but there were a lot of signs that suggested they were not safe.  He was always late to pick them up and never wanted me to visit his flat. I soon found out that his flat was filthy, and that he wasn’t feeding the children properly. My son constantly let the children down; he would phone to arrange to meet them in the park and then not turn up. He would then turn his phone off for days so no-one could contact him.

Although he loved his children, he wasn’t capable of caring for them. During long visits he would sweat and shake, and the children would notice. It seemed kinder to everyone to keep the visits as brief and infrequent as possible. Eventually all contact with his children were supervised at my home until I discovered that during the visits, he was stealing from me.

Although I knew my son had a problem with alcohol, I didn’t realise the extent of it until he phoned and said he was in agony and needed an ambulance. He could not get to the front door and asked if I could let the paramedics in. The flat was filthy; he had been storing rubbish and urine in the cupboards and the flat was filled with flies.  I was completely traumatised and cried hysterically at the sight of my son living in this filth. When my son was taken to hospital, my sister came over and we spent weeks cleaning his flat.

We also discovered he was going to be evicted for not paying his rent. The prospect of him losing his flat and coming to live with me was too much, so I agreed to take control of his finances.  After paying the bills I would give him a daily allowance but it wasn’t enough for all the alcohol he wanted so he stole from the supermarket, his family, his friends and sold any items of value he owned. I tried following him so I could stop him buying alcohol. Everything I tried to stop him from drinking only made it worse.

I was so angry; I would shout and scream and on more than one occasion, I punched my son in the face.  I was angry with everybody and couldn’t see a way out of the situation. I knew I needed help, so I googled ‘help for families of alcoholics’, and I came across Al-Anon. I found a meeting and attended the next day. No one told me what to do, they just suggested I took the time to make my own decisions. I was also never told that everything was going to be okay because they knew that not all alcoholics recovered. This gave me the courage to stand up to some family members who did not understand my decisions and do what was right for me.

My son sadly lost his battle with alcoholism in January 2020, at the age of 32. He died alone in his flat, after five days of binge drinking. His neighbour phoned and said that he hadn’t seen him for two days which was unusual as he always went out to buy alcohol. I found him lying on the floor surrounded by empty bottles of vodka.

I struggled with my grief after my son died. The members of my Al-Anon group listened without judgement while I told them I felt relief that he was free from his pain and that I no longer had to endure the torment of his drinking. I don’t think I could ever have expressed this to anybody other than people who have experienced the realities of loving an alcoholic.

My grandchildren now have the added support from a stepdad. I have a great relationship with their mother and continue to see them regularly.

If you’re affected by someone’s drinking and would like support, email helpline@al-anonuk.org.uk or call our free and confidential helpline on 0800 0086 811.